Titanic 2

No, this isn't a sequel to the 1997 James Cameron blockbuster. It's a cheaply made, both in quality and production value, movie from the "geniuses" at The Asylum. If you're unfamiliar with The Asylum, lucky you. So you can share my pain, I'll inform you of them. The Asylum represents great marketing skills and nothing else. For the past few years, they've dished out what they, and many, have dubbed "mockbusters". When a big film such as Transformers comes out, they have a readily made film that bares an eerie resemblance to the hit. In the case of the Michael Bay juggernaut, they responded with Transmorphers.

For the most part, they've been able to get away with this charade. No rules are being broken and, even though they're banking off the success of other, they are creating their own content. Studios such as 20th Century Fox have challenged them in the past, with films such as The Day the Earth Stopped and The Terminators being impugned for infringement. On the case of The Terminators, I feel 20th Century Fox deserved to win, since that title is way too close to its blockbuster counterpart. Nonetheless, both cases were thrown out.

20th Century Fox did accomplish something, however. They sent a message to The Asylum, that being they must be careful in the future. They have since churned out a few more mockbusters, including Paranormal Entity (knock-off of Paranormal Activity) and Princess of Mars (knock-off of Avatar), with the latter being acceptable due to it being based on a novel. They have, however, created their own, original productions as well, starting with last year's Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. It wasn't that good, but it was their best effort.

This year, they return to originality, and I'm using that word lightly. Though they're once again creating their own content, they return to their roots of cashing in on others' success. This time being a film that's thirteen years old and an event that's nearly one-hundred. I'll give them credit for a ballsy effort, but that's all the effort that seems to be put into this production.

Director/star Shane Van Dyke (grandson of Dick Van Dyke) focuses more on the disastrous ship's anniversary than the James Cameron behemoth, but still pokes fun at him. He does so towards the original ship and its crew as well, including taking a potshot against them for being warned six times about icebergs. I wonder how many times he was warned he was going to direct a terrible, direct-to-DVD movie. Nonetheless, it's more of an in-joke on the film, since the ship's creator/owner Hayden Walsh, who is played by Dyke, ignores warnings of his own.

Those warnings being of a, you guessed it, iceberg approaching the ship. They're not as worried this time around about the iceberg itself, but the tsunami it brings with it, one that's mileage is higher than eight hundred. Not wanting his big day to be ruined, he ignores demands from James Maine (Bruce Davison) to turn the ship around. Which is hilarious considering, if he wanted to avoid a setback on his big day, he would have turned the ship around! Too bad that's one of the few times that you laugh at Titanic 2 on purpose.

The real reason Maine wants the ship to be turned around is because his daughter, Amy (Marie Westbrook), is aboard as an attendant. In typical movie fashion, she and Hayden used to have a relationship, which begs the question why he would hire her. The answer would be he wants to rekindle the magic, which I never seen present between the two. I didn't see acting, either.

This is the set-up to the film. The rest of the hour and a half time frame consists of passengers scrambling for safety, blaming Hayden (which, though it is his fault, they're at much fault for riding on a ship called the Titanic 2), then submerging to their death/s. Dyke throws a few curveballs in there, making it that a second big wave is coming, and that the life preservers aren't a safe option anymore. Too bad most of the passengers have already boarded one.

Hayden and Amy haven't, as they went down to the lower deck to rescue a fellow, dimwitted co-worker named Kelly Wade (Michelle Glavan). She's the one who made the original Titanic remark. She also stated that she'd rather have most of the passengers drown rather than give them CPR, so it's extremely difficult to care when she's trapped at the bottom of the ocean liner.

Which is Titanic 2's main problem. There's not a single person to care about. The closest we get is Amy Maine, but Marie Westbrook is so wooden in her performance that I could care less. That and her character, though made to look smart, is anything but. If she despises Hayden so much, why did she go to work for him in the first place? Also, when her father calls before she boards the ship and warns her about the iceberg, why didn't she avoid getting on the ship? I don't care if this ship is supposed to be unsinkable. So was the original, and we all know how that turned out.

That's another problem (among many). Hayden has us to believe that the ship is in perfect order, while James Maine informs everyone that it barely passed inspection, including his daughter (back to that problem again). Why would they let a ship entitled Titanic 2, that has barely passed inspection, on the seas, knowing what happened to the original? I don't care if it has been a hundred years, you know something's going to be fishy (no pun intended).

Titanic 2 may be ballsy film, but that's all it has going for it. Just like the other films in The Asylum's catalogue, the title is the only thing it has going for it. That's about all the talent and effort they put into the project, as they seem to wing it as time goes on. Explosions are randomly inserted in for no good reason, as are obstacles that Hayden and Amy must encounter whilst the ship is sinking. The only good thing about this all was that I got to make a joke halfway through the film. So this is what it'd be like if Michael Bay directed Titanic. To be fair to Mr. Bay, even he would have made this a bit more competent.

-Justin Oberholtzer