"In The Unlikely Event" [Album]

Walk Of Fame

“In The Unlikely Event” is the most recent release by spazz-tastic emo-core sub-genre victims “The Fall Of Troy,” best known for the highlight track on a video game which involves the practical masturbation of a plastic instrument in time to flashing colours on a screen. Yes, the sad thing about the band is that despite Thomas Erak’s technical prowess, his group is condemned to relegation alongside one-hit-wonders “Crazytown” and Rick Astley. The popularity of “F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X” amongst the angsty teens of 2008 was not enough to sustain a viable music career, and now in a last-ditch attempt to remain in the pages of “Kerrang!” magazine “The Fall Of Troy” have bequeathed this disc of hideously-produced bile. Now, I like hardcore screams and jagged riffs if they’re properly executed, but from the cringe-worthy opening line (“I f****** hate myself”) it’s day-glo apparent that this is not the case here. In the interest of critical fortitude I settled myself into a comfy chair, adopted my proudest slouch and subjected myself to fifty minutes of aural rape, with only the thought of savaging the disc later to sustain me.

Panic Attack!

Overcoming the putrid subject matter, the first track “Panic Attack” is actually not bad. It features some versatile guitar-work, including juvenile up-down wah-pedal use, a decent vocal line in the chorus and the rhythm section is compact. Nonetheless, once the breakdown comes around it is undeniable that Erak is a guitarist, not a singer. He lacks vocal talent, pure and simple; whilst his roars are adequate, his singing is reedy and always seems to be on the edge of breaking out of scale, like a sixteen-year-old boy who has got his big-boy hairs but has to deal with his voice breaking all the time. This is only accentuated by the production, a half-assed job which evokes the perception that you’re in a very small room with the neighbourhood garage band. There is no depth, very little layering and the bass does not provide the warmth and confidence needed to bring all the other elements to their full potential. Sadly, this is a constant throughout.

Nobody’s Perfect

The second track displays the other aspect of the band’s abilities – odd-time signatures, death-metal throbs and pained screeches, like a soft alternative to something truly bludgeoning such as “The Dillinger Escape Plan.” I must admit, it was this approach that enamoured me to the group a little more, because despite the terrible lyrics I could associate with the fact that Erak was in the mood to drive his face through a pane of glass. I don’t know whether this was because his CD had brought about a similar disdain for all life, or because I really liked the thought of the creator of these awful songs dying in horrible agony. Put simply, it’s not extreme enough to satisfy, but plenty enough to embarrass. No matter how many dischordant riffs and legato splits were thrown out, none seemed to connect; this may be because there are so many of them, and therefore they seem valueless. Regardless, the alternative side to “The Fall Of Troy” displayed on tracks such as “Straight-Jacket Keelhauled” and “Nobody’s Perfect” does very little for the listener.

Empty The Clip…

Unfortunately, the previous two paragraphs pretty much sum up the entirety of “In The Unlikely Event.” You could strip the titles from the tracks, toss the tunes in a bag, tip them out onto a table and reorder the album without noticing a discernable difference. It’s either extremo-emo or poppy spazz rock, but little in the way of originality. I’d be lying if I were to say it was all bad; there is the occasional moment of enjoyment to be had, with “Empty The Clip…” offering a call-and-refrain hook which resembles an almost-bebop feel, and some of the better screams, and “Panic Attack!” isn’t awful, either, showing the promise to be a far better song if produced correctly. But at the end of those fifty-plus minutes I felt like I’d been assaulted by the diary of a fourteen-year-old girl with a cutting fetish, and that’s not something I’d usually pay £11.99 for, unless I was drunk and in a small island nation not named Thailand.